Hello Sunshine,
My name is Carla and after much thought, and very little research, I decided to start a Blog. I have followed a couple of my friends blogs for a few years and have often thought of creating my own about my life and my ups and downs. In my earlier days I was somewhat of a creative writer/poet/artistic kind of person, however is has been so many years since I have even tried to write, the actual thought of blogging scared me, so I did nothing but think. Did I mention that I am also a great procrastinator? The other day I followed a link, sent to me by a friend, which led me to a blog from a woman who's life struggles are similar to my own. I cried, I laughed and I was inspired. I am 38 years old and it is high time that I get started actually doing the things I always want to do. So here it goes my blog, a commitment, a journey, and a new adventure. I hope that this blog will in someway help, support, or inspire someone else. I have decided that this blog is going to be a no holds barred kind of place for me to express my thoughts, hopes, and struggles. A place where I will openly and honestly share and hopefully with out to much judgement.
So a little about me. First and foremost I am a mother. I have an amazing 11 year old daughter, who we will call Princess, and an awesome 13 year old soon to be step son, who we will call Ginger, due to his flaming red hair. I will soon marry the most amazing woman I have ever met, who we will call Batman. She is my rock, and my best friend. We have been together for 4 years and have had our fair share of struggles. We split up for 6 months, only to fall in love all over. I never imagined my life could be what is today.
I have struggled my entire life with many things including Bipolar, addiction, and low self esteem. I hope this blog will become a place where myself and others can discuss the day to day struggles with these issues. I have worked very hard to get where I am in life today, but most days I still don't feel quit good enough. Sometimes just knowing you're not alone makes all the difference in the world. As of late, I am at a low point in life. Last week I lost my job of almost a year, due to panic attacks. In previous times this would have been a debilitating blow to my life causing a down word spiral that has always ended in misery. This time I am handling things differently. I have never really spoken much about my mental health, its just not something that you bring up over coffee. Sarcasm is a gift of mine, and I am often blunt and straight to the point, usually resulting in me hurting somebody's feelings. I have tried the "keep your mouth shut" program, and well that just doesn't work for me, it causes constipation of the brain.
In 2005, I went to drug and alcohol treatment. My ex husband was threatening to take away my daughter if I didn't stop drinking and smoking pot (For the record, I have never even tried any other drugs). I never really saw it as problem until I was clean. I soon realized that I had been self medicating for many years, this is a common problem among us suffering from mental health problems. I was in an anonymous program for over 8 years, and that is also where I met Batman. In the past two years I have quit attending meetings, but still owe my life to the program. I have nothing but love and respect for the people who showed me a better way to live. I will forever be grateful. Because of that program I was able to find a Higher Power (HP) that works for me. As my blog goes on I will share more about my spiritual journey from church to freedom. NO! I am not a religious person by any means, and I am not here to talk religion.
I most recently survived stomach cancer, Adenocarcinoma It was the scariest time of my life. I have been in remission, Thank you HP, for almost 6 months now. That experience opened my eyes to many things and I started to question everything about me. I had to dig deep, questioning my beliefs, my priorities in life, my goals, ambitions, dreams and of course regret. I knew if I survived, everything had to change. I had to quit talking about who I wanted to be someday, and just start being, even if I screwed up along the way, I had to try. I have spent so many many years being scared,and listening to the shitty committee in my head telling me I can't. I am tired of being a victim of life or of circumstances. As I am at yet another cross roads in life I am not going to give up or fall back into the old patterns. Life will not swallow me up. I will stand up and fight.
I hope that you walk with me on this journey of self discovery, and self expression, and in some way, large or small, explore your own world.
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