I would apologize for not blogging for two days, but really I am probably the only one disappointed in myself. I had intended to blog daily, because prior to starting the blog I had a million ideas and now I sit and stare at the blank screen telling myself that no body wants to hear anything I have to say. I call this negative thinking the Shitty committee. So whether or not I have something important to say or not, and whether you like it or not, I am going share anyways. The important part of this is that I get some shit out and hopefully some positive feed back. 

I have had a crazy weekend filled with many errands and way to many kids. I am house and kid sitting for my bestie until Tuesday. She has 5 grand kids under the age of 5, a 17 year old (who has been an amazing help) and then my two teenagers also. Oh ya and 3 dogs and a couple of cats, that I haven't seen since they left.  I am not usually a person who does well with other peoples kids so this weekend has been a challenge for me. I wouldn't be able to do it with out Batman. She has been the biggest help of all.

Other things in my life right now are a little up in the air. I haven't had medical for about 6 months now. I was in an up cycle of life and was managing well for a short time. Recently, I started to have severe anxiety and panic attacks. This ultimately led to me loosing my job.  I have to make some big decisions right now. I have two options really. I can go back on state medical and have my medical back, but no income. Or I can see what this Obama care act is going to be all about, hope there is a program that will work for me and then get another job. If I go with state medical, I also have to apply for SSI, which makes me feel like a failure, and that I am giving up on my life. When medicated working is not much of a challenge for me. When I am not medicated every little thing in life is a huge obstacle. I have fought this cycle for years. Get medicated, go to school, get a job, loose my state medical and then loose the job. At my age I am tired of the roller coaster. I am tired of the ups and downs the daily struggles to function in my life. I feel like I am at the mercy of the state all the time. I can't quit get it together enough to get a job that offers medical so I end up in this viscous cycle over and over again. 

My friends, my family and especially Batman have been as supportive as possible, but some days it's just not enough. I can't quiet the shitty committee and then the depression sets in. I know my mental health takes a toll on those around me too and then I feel guilty for burdening  them with my problems. With the guilt comes isolation, which makes the depression even worse. Eventually, like last year, I loose myself and my ability to reason with myself. The next thing you know my life is turned upside down and I am back at square one once again. 

If you have any suggestions please feel free to share them. Now for some Football GO SEAHAWKS!!!!