If I were electronic...

Now that Google changed their settings I finally found my way to back to my blog again. It only took 3 days lol. I never claimed to be the brightest crayon in the box. I have a gripe today if you will.  I have the most amazing wife in the world and I wouldn't change that for anything. I do wish I could change me. I wish I could be an electronic device sometimes. She is a very busy woman. She has school, her work (which is at the school) and now she is starting her own LBGT club at school. This is her dream in life and her passion in life and I never want to get in the way of that. I am having a hard time adjusting to this new routine as there is less than little time for me and the family. All though I want to jump for joy when I  here of these new projects she is taking on, instead my heart sinks. Why you ask, because everything she does means less time for me. The very little time we have together is  now filled with her new blogging project. I love her blogs they are funny and well written. She usually even has a valid point. Everyone loves her blogs and demands that she write more, so she does. But I am usually asleep by the time she is done blogging. When we go out she is on her phone 24/7. Weather it is work related, or a friend in crisis she is glued to the phone. She even stops in mid sentence to answer texts or emails, while I impatiently wait for her to finish what she was saying. So, yes the root of all of this is my overwhelming jealousy. If I were a phone I would be in her hand all the time. If I were a laptop I could sit  her lap regularly, how ever I am none of these, so lack of time to give me attention leaves me feeling meaningless. I don't like being 'needy' or 'clingy' or ungrateful. I know she is doing this to better both of our futures, and make a better life for our kids, I get that. So I just keep my mouth shut. I am getting use to being on the back burner. I know she has so many important things to do in her life and I get jealous of the people and things in life that get her attention when I so desperately want it for myself. 
I started this blog over a month ago, I was so happy and excited for it, however it was short lived. Immediatly my wife started her blog. Should I be proud that I gave her a great idea or inspired her in some way? I am sure that is the feeling I am suppose to have, but it's not. I feel over shadowed. Her blog is better, more well written, and funnier. We talk about her blog all the time, what she wrote, who read it and who I t ppl think of it. However, since starting mine, and struggling with it, all she has said about mine is good job baby. Of course it hurts my feelings and I feel like well then just give up and let her have the damn spotlight again. I really struggle with, are these normal feelings? Is the bipolar making me feel these things? Am I being selfish and self centered? How do I be supportive and all and not feel so left out. How do I make the few moments a week that we do get together be enough? This blog is not suppose to be a bash my wife blog, it is about my feelings and how do I cope with what I am feeling. Are these valid feelings, or am I over reacting? 
Ranting over, hope you have a fantastic day!!!

Back on track...

Good Day Lovelies. I know it has been a while since I blogged. First I was very sick with everything from a head cold to an unfortunate intestinal infection. I didn't much feel like blogging let alone try to get any coherent thoughts together on paper. After a few days of feeling better I began to get some anxiety about blogging again. The shitty committee was running around in my head again. My wife (Batman) also decided to start her own blog recently and I believe she is a much better writer and way funnier than I, so that led to some insecurities about my ability to blog. So after many talks with my head about my fear I decided to just start typing. I often make the mistake of comparing myself to others, and usually I fall short of what I think they can do better. I rarely give myself credit for the things that I can do, even when I can do it well. 

There has been some recent changes for me personally. I finally have received medical again and starting next week I will have a series of Doctor appointments to go to. I am looking forward to getting to the bottom of a few medical issues that I am currently experiencing, including the impending doom of depression. I live in Washington state where it is dark, rainy and gloomy 8 months a year. Around here many people suffer from Seasonal Effectiveness Disorder, which is only more severe in those of us with mental health challenges. I am hoping that this year will be different and I will get things taken care of before they get out of control.

I am also dealing with a very emotional and sensitive 12 year old. Princess has been having her fair share of emotional break downs lately. I am not sure how much of what she is expressing is normal 12 year old girl problems and how much of it is real. Every little thing sends the poor girl into a whirlwind of emotions. Sometimes I have to step back and just laugh for a minute before I can try to comfort her.  I have contacted her school counselor and she has met with Princess once so far. We are hoping the counselor can provide us with some guidance. 

I have also been spending some time starting to plan our wedding. Since our engagement on June 5, 2013 we have gone through so many ideas, themes, styles and locations for our wedding that I got burned out quickly. I gave up on all wedding planning and talk for over a month. Then a couple of weeks ago I received a call that myself and bridesmaids had won free facials. So last Sunday me and my 5 bridesmaids went and had our facials and then lunch afterwards. It felt so good to be out with my girls just doing girly things. As I sat the table during lunch looking at each one of these wonderful ladies, I realized how blessed I am with the friends that I have. I lose sight sometimes of who has really been there for me over the years, and get caught up in self pity because I don't have more friends. The reality is that I am damn proud of the friends I have and I love them unconditionally as they have taught me to do. Friendships have been a very difficult thing for me to maintain over the years, many have come and gone. When the relationship ends I am always left feeling not good enough. It's about quality friends, not quantity of friends!! I am looking forward to many more days of planning with my lovely ladies.